Being a reporter for The Onion gets harder every day with these chuckle fucks turning your material into real life.

The book that he should be looking for is a 3rd grade grammar textbook.

The face eating leopard’s mouth is watering.

The dead bodies were the people who knew too much and were “suicided” by the establishment to silence them.

Remember that there’s always an explanation when you can just make stuff up as you go.

This includes the private residences of subcontractors and contractors who run businesses out of their homes

Even more crazy is that you can’t tell anyone you’ve been raided, including seeking or talking to legal counsel.

So you technically are denied legal counsel if you are targeted by a blatently unconstitutional search.

And it’s legal for them to destroy any incriminating records that they want at any time.

Unlimited power to target whoever they want and no legal recourse.

Welcome to Germany 1935.