He never learned to drive stick.

I should have known he wasn’t the one.

Humans are odd in nature. When we want something, we will exert maximum force to get it. We will fight tooth and nail, to our own detriment.

The lies we tell ourselves…

I asked him, “What do you think your biggest problem is?”

“I run from my responsibilities.”

I, myself, should have run in that moment.

Instead, I continued to try and jam that square peg into that round hole. I lubed it up real good.

“You don’t need a roommate, you have me.”

I wanted to believe him, so I did. And then I lost my life as I knew it.

My heart and mind were left in pieces. I couldn’t reconcile what had happened.

Today, his image popped up in my phone’s memories. There was no burning in my brain, or aching in my heart. Instead I looked at myself. “I was so pretty.”

What the pictures don’t show, was my kindness. My patience. My heart.

I was patient for something that was never going to arrive. The intention behind the words was absent. I let my life hinge upon a false promise, from someone who admitted to being immature and selfish. Someone who looked like a man, but acted like a boy.

One time we were fighting, and he said “I love you so much. Why does it have to be like this?”

Because you don’t say what you mean, or mean what you say. Your words lack substance. It causes problems, bro.

I can’t help he was raised to fear rejection, or that I was raised to earn love. Neither could he.

I am thankful I do not fear change. He cannot fathom the peace that brings. I pity him. Because change is inevitable. Like death and taxes.

When you run from the inevitable, it is impossible to be prepared for when it inevitably comes to pass.

I won’t be there when he needs me. Same as he wasn’t there for me. He surrounds himself with superficiality because he fears the depths; but these things cannot be avoided forever.

The pictures don’t sting anymore. I no longer miss him. What a blessing.

I’m not as pretty as I used to be. But I am beautiful. He could never tell me that, but now I can speak those words to myself, and know they are true.

I no longer have the Botox, the nails and lashes, the perfect body… but I have a sense of who I am. I can look in the mirror. I see the wrinkles and lack of abdominal definition. I see the stretch marks and the grey hairs. I see growth. I see wisdom.

Wisdom is knowledge applied; knowledge paired with experience. Experience does not exist with out setbacks and failure.

Wisdom cannot manifest when avoidance is present. Character cannot build without overcoming; getting up when you’ve fallen down.

Learning to drive stick it’s tricky. You will stall out. Repeatedly.

Then it becomes second nature. You’ve learned that skill forever. Worth it.

He is so afraid of falling, that he never gets up to try. He sits on the sidelines and gets heartbroken when “his team” loses. They’re not your team.

The reality is, you don’t belong to that team, or any team. You are a sad, lonely duck… with a pocket full of happy pills… but you are never happy… you are defeated in your inability to make an attempt.

I’m ok that I lost my life. It was fake as fuck.

Now it’s time for the real deal.

Thank you for showing me all the markers of a counterfeit. There will be no more excuses. Not for me, not for anyone.