Today kind of reminds me of when my mom tried to kill herself. Once she was in the ambulance, I started guzzling my uncle’s bottle of gin.

I don’t even like gin.

I got wasted and emailed a therapist. I had met him prior, when I was looking for someone for my son to talk too.

I thought he was the problem. I was living in denial.

My drinking had always been the problem.

I was a bad mom. My attention was paid to my job, and booze. And shitty TV. And fighting.

I was either fighting with my then partner, or my child. I couldn’t see I was part of the problem.

My life appeared all together, outside of my excessive weight gain, but it was a nightmare. I numbed myself to escape, but all it did was keep me trapped in a cycle of shame and despair.

I didn’t stay numb. The warm feeling wore off quickly. I was white hot pissed off.

I was being dragged deeper into a pit, daily.

I lived in my shame cave.

I thought I was paying the price, but it was those closest to me who suffered. Let’s be real; we all suffered.

This is the danger of denial.

Lying to yourself will get you killed. It puts your loved ones at risk.

Seeking support is important, but I feel like rehab, AA, a lot of these programs are crutches. When you take them away, the participants panic. They think they can’t remain sober without them, but that’s is not factual.

Biblically, being sober means to be single-mindedly focused on the Lord. Instead of living in denial, deny yourself and focus on Christ.

He is the light. He will show you the way, in the form of your decisions. He will keep you from picking up that first drink.

AA has some great sayings. My favorite being, “One is too many, and a thousand are not enough.”

I can confirm.

Mistakes are painful, but not worthless. As long as you can accept reality, the truth, you can grow.

The truth will set you free. You can emerge from your shame cave as a beautiful vine; expanding in abundance with every moment.

I also like to remember that the Lord uses imperfect people, to enact His perfect will.

Noah was a drunk. Samson was a liar. Moses straight up killed somebody.

His compassion is renewed for us, daily.

So it’s up to you: do you want to live in a perpetual state of anxiety, worry, and rumination? Or would you prefer to dwell in peace that surpasses all understanding?